Reminds me of Him
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
This time, my post NOT will be a funny one. Well in life, theres always ups and downs. Sometimes you just cant help it but to turn back an reminices the past. Thats why ppl say the past will catch up with you. Well i dont believe when some say learn from mistake and never look back, I am sorry, but thats partly bullshit. Its a human nature when sometink u tend to tink of the past and have ur emo momments, its either you show it or you dont. No matter how strong you are, you have feelings.
Sadly today i guess i kinda miss my unfortunate ex boyfriend. No, not the 2 yrs relationship, Its faz and sham...I dont noe why i miss them so much today..I will be lying if i say i love them. No,i dont love them. Its more to care.
Sham, when i ever i think of diabeties, i thought of you.Yeah, his diabetic, that makes me care for him so much.But wat i appreaciate is the way he used to pamper me very very much. How he spent his free time with me even thou he has alot of overseas work. He picks me up frm sch and sents me hm.Very protective at the same time very caring. Well, i dont really mind cos he is always overseas, so that means freedom for me. I must say i wasnt a filial girl. Mayb i was with him because i care for him, but i dont love him. Honestly, at that time i was in love with someone else instead of him. However we broke up because apparently he was match make with another women chosen by his family.I admit i cry! Its confusing and a long story.... to make it short, my point is i miss him!
Well then came along Fazril. When every i see any malay dance, i will think of him. Anyway he is a dancer. Yes! i was attach with a dancer and that wierd... Again, it wasnt in the name of love, I didnt love him at all.. I will say its more to a rebound relationship, but thanks to him my broken heart heals but again that doesnt mean i love him. He is the most protective boy i was ever with. This time protective doesnt means caring. It means being insecure..I cant say he's caring, because sometimes i feel that iam the man here wearing pants instead. But again, i thanks him for giving me a little light in my dark life back then. He wipes my tears away.Well, at that point of time i was empty, a dead soul in a living body.Time was really hard on me. I fought with the man i love and look upon so much, he hurt me and the fight make me so tiny and life was down. I was loosing my bestfren too, I has a hard time taking my license and school. I cry and could not stop crying inside. Knowing my character, once somethink hard hits me, i learn the lesson fast and i will built myself up again, then thats when i start to be egoistic. So that is when fazril suffers. My ego is too huge for him to handle. I pity him. He has a hard time controling me and i had a hard time trying to love him. Unfortunately i cant cos my ego was freaking huge and my heart was still with the man i love.. I guess i didnt show much how i appreaciate him. It was my fault.I dont noe how big or small is his love for me but he manage to heal that little part of me. If i were to go on, the story wont end, to make it short, if i have a time machine, i would turn back time and be a good girl. I wana kiss his forhead one last time and say thank you. Hahhaha iam crying now. I miss him so badly very badly.
To the man i love long before, every single things reminds me of you. I cant find any words to describe how strong is this love and respect i have for you. But there sometink in me that makes me scared to love you more. And this is why i cry today too. Sumhow ive learn not to expect anytink in return frm you. Nothing in return. If you happen to read this (which i doubt so)
Dear, iam sorry for my mistake, I lost you for 6 mths.... and 6 mths seems 6 yrs to me.. its enuf to kill me inside.. You have no idea how much i love you, how much i respect you. But my heart had been shattered by the words u threw to me.. You might not remember, u might think its a small matter ,dear its not.. For 6 mths u ignore me, i felt invisible. Dear, i love you more that you could ever imagine and i manage to keep inside me for 6 mths and i will continue to keep it to myself. I willnot make it obvious nor do i expect. Iam happy to be ur fren and just your friend. I cant go any further cos iam too petrified.i dont noe how much u love me, but i hope u stop, do not go any further... Yes you may think iam a coward, an idiot or confusing, YES I AM,.Iam more that grateful to be ur fren.
I JUST CANT DO IT, Iam scared.....
Iam sorry readers, iam emo today.. Iam sorry too if you dont understand wat iam trying to say. Iam just typing and typing pouring all my feelings out...
Thanks
Love
Baybeh
